What’s happening with M–? I felt bad right away, and now I’m worried. My reflex is to fear that she’s going to fall in love. I the specimen am sick with constant self-loathing; but egotism, seemingly the contrary of that basic condition, grows from the same narcissistic seed.
I keep getting picked up—picked up off the street like a piece of trash—; I am “husband material,” as F– put it. I’m easy—“the town bicycle,” as A– once put it. Why can’t I say no to someone? Afraid to hurt their feelings?
Woman need to learn how to decline offers of sex at some ungodly age. The world threatens, and so she needs to defend herself to survive. Whereas for me—for men, it’s an offer; something I want, but which must be offered.
If I were responsible, I would not have engaged with her to begin with…but she was really fun and I’m hard up. I’m not good at pursuing women I have an actual interest in.
Now I will tell her how much I liked her flirting, her attention, and that we are not right for each other and we will not know each other again…