My goal right now is to respond to V–’s email, and to send the pitch to at least one more magazine.
Can’t do the latter. Difficult enough to do the former. Too distracted by thoughts of girls and love. I am not available to women because I don’t exist. No-one cares, and they’re right not to.
Just before 16h—Everything is futile. I have zero prospects. Nothing but sadness, loneliness. Life of the modern gymcel. Life of the modern man. I should go back to l’E and tell that girl the truth: that I liked how her eyes flashed in that ellipsis between dodging drunks.
’Round midnight—Maybe if I wore more matching, tonal outfits, like the guy wearing a white cowboy outfit on the couch opposite me here at CDP. Maybe if I had bigger lateral deltoids. Maybe if I had used sunscreen in the morning for the past ten years, and my face were not so wrinkled; maybe If I were just one degree higher in my profession. Maybe if I had finished that third reading of the Phenomenology of Spirit—maybe then someone would love me.
Is ogling women on the street really better than using an app? Infinite possibilities emerge out of the city. The café is here—I’m at one right now; apps are elsewhere. An added layer of mediation. We approach closest to God through reduction (via negativa). For a communist utopia to become actual, it similarly will require reduction (de-growth communism), not least being the abolition of class. Similarly, a wife will be found by removing everything until only she remains.
Saw E– last week; saw J– and her Lil’ Peep boyfriend today. Next time, it will be C– —or more likely, R–. Maybe A– is back in town. I saw M–’s face floating in the crowd of a street festival. I haven’t seen her in years, but her memory returned immediately. The city’s mysteries conspire with memory. The meanings they create seem to confirm that there is possibility in life.
When I saw M–’s face floating in the crowd, I felt like I could love her. I’m holding on to an attachment from when I was still naive. She has a connection to the earth, I have a watery depth. We are both graves to each other.